I share this story today because on the train home I got to thinking about how nosey we are in one another’s business and how poor most person’s manners are.  This young man never once realized his behavior was abomadible.  I realize he may have never been taught or perhaps, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was so engrossed in my words, forgot his manners.  Let’s think about our manners today.  Would you consider your behavoir and how it impacts those around you?

xo–me (and perhaps Emily Post)

I couldn’t resist beginning this post with the corny 2nd grade riddle.  I thought it may lighten my mood as I write today about the rude behavior of my fellow man.  I live in a very crowded city–New York.  Hundreds of thousands of people crowd the sidewalks daily as they are making their to jobs, homes, appointments and when it rains, the sidewalks are like a war zone.  Umbrellas are flying every which way and unfortunately their masters believe themselves to be the only one on the sidewalk.  Today I am sharing some advice for umbrella etiquette.  In no particular order, here are the various bad behaviors I have witnessed and my suggestions on ways to improve.

1. The oncoming traffic.  Most walking traffic moves at different speeds.  When it’s pouring rain, many find a little extra energy to walk more swiftly than usual as one would like to get out of the weather.    That usually means having to pass others on the sidewalk.  If the weather is gorgeous this is a simple task but add the approximate 2 1/2 foot span of an umbrella (both yours, theirs and the oncoming traffic) and it’s almost impossible.  One will practically poke others in the eye as one bullies through the pack.  Be patient and wait for a break in the mob and then pass with care.  Think as if one is driving an automobile.
   
2. Tight covered walkways. There is a enormous building being built across the street from my apartment building.  It’s taller than all the other buildings around me except for the Empire State Building.  It’s really tall.  All around the construction site are those enclosed covered walkways that are usually about 2 persons wide–one body traveling in each direction, right?  I really can’t understand why people don’t close their umbrellas when walking through these areas.  They are covered so rain is not being pummeled upon you.  The space is barely wide enough for each of us to pass through, how do you expect to get your umbrella through the space without scratching my face (yes this has happened) with the tips of your wing span?  Or by catching the tip in my hair?  If you must keep your umbrella open, dart your arm straight up in the air so your umbrella is higher than the bodies walking through the space.
   
3. Old school umbrella tucked under the armpit. Today it lightly sprinkled so many people had their umbrellas with them but did not have them open.  Most people own the collapsible, tuck away in your bag or briefcase style these days but their are a few (myself included) who love the old school umbrella that has a lovely ornate handle and does not collapse.  It can and should be used as a walking stick or tucked nicely over your wrist so it travels vertical to the ground.  That was not the case today as I was walking home and I came face to face with a sharp tip of an umbrella tucked under a man’s armpit.  THE WORST WAY TO TRAVEL WITH YOUR UMBRELLA.  I could have lost my eye.  It was that close to me.  Of course he did not apologize nor think to take it out.  He was engrossed in his blackberry (that is another day’s conversation).  Please do not endanger others by carrying this style in this manner.
   
4. Carrying it as if it were a parasol. I have very little to say here.  Not only does it defeat the purpose of the umbrella, you are blocking the view of those people behind you.  And contrary to what you may think, that is not very ladylike.
   
5. The shake. You have been walking for blocks in a torrential downpour.  You feel soaked to the bone and are anxious to get out of the rain.  Please, do not shake your umbrella like a Polaroid picture when you are indoors.  Not only are you ruining the flooring and decor around you but you could very well attack a passerby who does not care to have a shower from the contents lingering on your umbrella.   If you can, lightly tap the umbrella while you are coming through the front door and close it as soon as you get inside.  If it is drenched with water, most places have an umbrella stand.  Or close it up tightly and put it back in it’s covering.
   
6. Not-so-cute childrens umbrellas.  Very few children are taught how to hold them thus poking my legs or hips and when they are not paying attention literally wipe the exterior of their umbrellas on me.  No thank you.  Please have your child walk with you under your umbrella.
   
7. Golf umbrellas.  Come on people.  Help me out here.  The sidewalk is crowded enough without your giant umbrella that forces me to step out into the street while a speeding taxi splashes the entire Atlantic Ocean all over me.

I hope most of you who read this will think to yourself, ‘this is really all common sense’.  In my eyes, that really what manners are.  It’s taking a minute to think about someone other than yourself.  Think about how your actions will impact others.  Next time the heavens open and the earth is saturation with the sweet smell of rain, think of you and your umbrella.

xo–me

I am really enjoying reading my Esquire’s Handbook for Hosts. It is a wealth of information and really speaks to a different time. I love it! Last night I read about how to serve your meal. Loved it so much I am sharing it today. It’s a good reminder of what we should do on Thursday, or any day of a dinner party.

Excepts from How To Serve:

Act as though you had 10 servants–Your guests know you cooked their dinner, and they’re already impressed with your talent or your courage, as the case may be. So you needn’t keep reminding them of your chef role by hopping up and down, running back and forth between table and kitchen during dinner. There could be no other point in such nerve-wracking antics, for it’s a simple matter to arrange things so that “dinner is served” means for the cook/host as well as for the guests. Plan a menu of minimum courses so that everything can be either on the table or on the sideboard or serving table before you announce dinner, make full use of your chafing dish if it’s necessary to keep on course warm while another has the floor…Use a dressed-up “family style” of service, with food for second helpings left on the table rather than returned to the kitchen after the first time around…Use trays for clearing the table, bringing in the dessert and coffee…and you’ll find that you can play the lord of the manor at the head of the table, undisturbed by kitchen-calls, even if you are the the cook.

I try to always enjoy my meal. You know, the one I just spent days preparing? I think we all could use this gentle reminder not to sacrifice ourselves at the table.

xo–me

When you are talking with someone whose name you are struggling to remember and a friend joins you and looks inquiringly from you to the nameless person, there is nothing you can do but introduce your friend to the stranger by saying to the latter, “Oh haven’t you met Janet Cartozian?”

Hopefully, the stranger will be tactful and understanding enough to announce his own name.  If he says nothing, however and Janet Cartozian makes matters worse by saying, “You didn’t tell me your friend’s name,” the situation reaches the height of embarrassment.  The only solution then is to be completely frank, admit you do not remember the name, and ask them to complete the introduction themselves.

If you don’t learn another thing from this book, I would consider it a success if I could persuade you, when meeting someone who obviously does not remember your name (or even someone who might not remember it), to offer it at once.  Never say, “You don’t remember me, do you?” and then stop.  Start right out with “Hello I’m Marjorie Wynne, I met you at the Schoonmakers last Memorial Day.”

So says Emily Post.  If you learn one thing from her book via this post, please memorize the last paragraph.  Ms. Post and I will be proud.

xo–me

I take pilates classes at a boutique studio close to my home and office. My studio has 8 beds on which to work out and takes reservations in advance for each class. You can imagine that most classes fill up quickly. Their policy states that if you have to cancel within a 12 hour period or you are a ‘no show’ you will be charged a $25 fee. I love the policy because it means I will make every possible effort to get there so I don’t have to pay the fee (and it’s not a bad thing for my well being either!).

Lately I have noticed empty beds when I know the class was full prior to me getting in the car (office and home are mere minutes from the studio). I know things come up. I too get caught at work or sometimes LIFE just happens and I cannot make it. I always try to go online (where you make the reservations) or call to cancel. I know I will have the fee to pay but I do this to be polite to other people in the studio. Namely my friends as many of them also work out at the studio and find themselves on the wait list to get into said class.

I think it is very rude to hold a place in class and fail to show up. It is very selfish behavior that implies one only cares about one person–themselves. If you make a reservation anywhere, have the decency to cancel if you are not going to make it. I am sure those of you who carry the title of maitre ‘d would also appreciate humankind exercising this courtesy. Nothing is worse than asking for a placeholder and then failing to show up.

Be polite people. Think of others. Do something good today for someone other than yourself!

Thanks for listening today.

xo–me

Situation #1.  Communal meals are fabulous fun for everyone.  It’s an informal way to share your day, the meal and your life with loved ones.  Please, if you are ill, don’t suggest, book or arrive to this occasion.  Pause for one moment and think about what you do at a communal meal.  You cook, eat, share, dip, double dip, pass plates, and touch everything.  All while your nose is running and you are blowing it.  Do you run to the ladies room to wash your hands after each time you sneeze?  What about coughing?  When you cover your mouth while coughing or sneezing, do you then reach for the cooking utensils that you are sharing with the other guests?

Situation #2 (that sent me over the edge).  The pilates, yoga, dance studio is a place filled with sweat and germs.  Why would you want to work out and have your ill sweat get all over the machines, the mats, the bar so you can infect the entire class?  That towel or wet wipe is not going to sanitize the area.  Again I ask you to please stay home when you are ill.

Here’s my thought on illness.  I am someone with massive allergies.  Sneezing, clearing my nose, eyes watering, among other symptoms, are things I deal with on a regular basis.  If I am not able to control these symptoms, I do not leave the house.  Plain and simple.  It’s rude and inconsiderate to others to have to experience these symptoms and/or fear they are something greater than a simple allergy.  If I am willing to do this for my allergies, all of you should be willing to do this when you are fighting a cold or the flu.  Your decisions create a dangerous environment to those around you and your lack of respect for others well being is simply distasteful.

xo–me

When a dinner guest arrives with an angel food cake or an apple pie without having mentioned the intent in advance, you are put “on the spot”.  There is undoubtedly an obligation to serve it–to share it with the other guests.  This is fine–if you have no dessert made, or if it could be served in addition to your dessert.  But if you do have a very special dish ready to offer to your guests, the unexpected gift need not be given priority.  You re quite free to say, “Thank you so much–it looks wonderful but I had promised a specialty of mine for tonight, so may I keep this to enjoy tomorrow?”  Guest who have not “cleared” their intentions with their hostess beforehand should never be hurt when their gift is not served at the dinner.  After all, they presumably brought it for their hostess’ enjoyment, and she should feel free to use it as she wishes.

Sometimes you may be given two or three cakes or boxes of candy, or whatever.  In this case, it would be unreasonable to cut into or open, all of them, so choose the one that seems to go best with your meal and appeal most to your friends, and offer that one, if you want to offer these gifts at all.

The same rules apply to a gift of wine.  If it goes with your menu and you do not have another beverage planned, or another wine chilled, serve it.  Otherwise thank the donor and tell him how much you will enjoy his gift at another meal.

If a wrapped gift is brought to your dinner party, it is nice to open it, without fanfare which would perhaps embarrass another guest who did not bring a gift, so you can thank the person who brought it.  If you have no time to do this, a thank-you the next time you speak to him or her is sufficient.  There is no need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift which is meant as thanks to you.

So there you have it.  I don’t need to be crowned the winner.  I merely hope those friends of mine are reading today and recognize themselves.  I am never so frustrated as the hostess as when someone arrives with a hot dish or a dessert that clearly will not last and it has nothing to do with the meal I have so carefully prepared.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it when a friend calls in advance and says they would like to bring their signature dish and I can figure out a way to incorporate it into my meal.  Or if they arrive with a treat and say “Here is something for you to enjoy later or tomorrow.”

As always, I heed the words of Ms. Post.  I hope you do as well.

xo–me

1. On the flight out, I was luckily seated in a row with an empty seat between me and the row-mate.  I was at the window, she at the aisle.  Before we had a chance to take off, she placed her magazines promptly in the center of the empty seat.  I was surprised as I have always thought that space was a lucky bonus and should be shared with the passenger on the other side.  Not wanting to appear rude, I ignored her territorial actions and started watching some TV.  Before I knew it, she had raised the arm between her seat and the empty one and decided to lay down over both seats with her booty squarely placed at my end, almost eye level by the time she tucked her feet under her hips.  Well then.  Thank you.  Thank you for being incredibly rude and for showing no class in the air.  You my dear, a woman who is old enough to be my mother, are no example to young women.  When flying, if you are feeling ill or are very tired, ask your neighbor if they mind if you lay down.  Most compassionate people will appreciate you asking and not mind if you do.  If you want to use the empty seat, say hello to your neighbor and ask if they would like to share the extra space.  Considerate people always ask.
2. The same woman I spoke of above also decided that she had to be the first person to leave the plane.  Now I want to be very clear that we were flying in coach class.  Not first class.  You know, the people who get to leave the plane first because of their position inside the plane?  My ‘friend’ gathered everything of hers while we were skipping down the runway.  As soon as the plane was on the ground, she literally sprinted to the front of the plane while we were still pulling into the gate.  Yes, she was first out the door but not without literally ploughing over the people in the seats in front of us and everyone in first class.  Unreal.  Please take your time and be considerate of those around you.  You are not the only person on the plane.  If you must insist on everything your own way, purchase a private plane on which to travel and you can be the center of attention.
3. My return flight was no less packed with bad, inconsiderate behavior.  I unfortunately had to change my flight at the last minute and wound up sitting in the center seat.  Knowing this was going to be a challenge, I was also stuck in the row that does not recline.  I boarded the jet with a good attitude about these two unfortunate circumstances.  As soon as I sat, I could tell the lady to my left was going to be a delight.  She excused herself to the ladies room and said “I promise I only get up once.”  I responded with “Please, get up as often as you need to!”  The female on the aisle, to my right, was the complete opposite.  She plopped down in the seat with such force, she shook the entire row.  Once she finished fidgeting with her bag that was clearly too large to be placed under the seat in front of her, she decided to elbow me no less than 4 times while she struggled to get her seat belt on.  Again, trying to be positive, I mentally noted that perhaps she was not well traveled and once she got settled, perhaps the trip would be great.  Wrong.  She whipped out a sandwich laden with onions.  The entire cabin stunk of onions.  The flight attendants commented.  Those around us commented.  Those who passed our row on the way to the restrooms commented.  Once she completed her meal, she decided to remove her shoes and prop her feet on the arm rest backs of the seats in front of ours.  Nasty, smelly feet almost at eye level.  When I tried to put my tray table down, her feet were in the way.  I couldn’t ask her to move them because she had decided to fall asleep with her nasty foul onion breath blowing into my face because her head was facing my way.  Now remember, I could not move my positioning because my seat did not recline.  Grrrrr.

I cannot believe the abominable behavior I experienced on this trip.  I could share stories for months here the amount of things I have witnessed.  People, please be kind and considerate to one another.  Think about your words or actions before they are presented.  Teach good behavior.  Be an example.

xo–me

Seriously people (and by people, I do not mean my readers as I know they would never do anything so vile), the world is not your garbage can.  Show some self esteem and pick up after yourself.  Set an example to those around you, including those young ones who watch and soak up every move you make.  Besides, I brought my own, thank you very much.

xo–me

Woman #1:  I am driving into the alley behind my pilates studio (well, not mine in that I own it, mine in that I go there daily to work out) and looking for one of the 5 small spaces behind the studio in which to park my car.  I notice an SUV (clearly too large for the space so she took two spaces) leaving so I reversed a bit to allow her enough room to get out.  She sat there and stared at me for a good 3 minutes.  Me, not knowing what she was trying to do, reversed a bit more thinking she needed more room.  She didn’t need more room.  She wanted to come out the direction I was coming in.  Now the alley is merely a few thousand yards and she could have just as easily gone in the other direction to go around the block but instead decided to participate in one-sided glaring contest.  When I didn’t move (still not aware of what she wanted to do), she wound down her window and proceeded to flail her arm and scream at me.  I reversed down the alley (not safe obviously) so she could get out.  She cut by my car swiftly and came very close to clipping my front end.  All this after her relaxing pilates class.  Really?

Woman #2:  I walk into pilates class and my instructor asks if I am feeling okay.  I explained my allergies and how they were bothering me, including a 24-hour period of battling a headache.  The teacher asked if there were things that bothered me and I said “any strong fragrances are never good”.  Well wouldn’t you know, a woman standing less than 2 feet from me overheard our discussion and said “Well you better go to the other side of the studio then.”  I paused for a moment and rewound her words in my mind.  I tried desperately to think that she was trying to advise me that she had a lot of perfume on but then I realized she really didn’t care and just wanted me far away from her because I was sneezing.  Allergies are not contagious.

Now, neither of these situations are life changing and of course I let it all roll off my back (or whatever that phrase is), but they are great examples of the selfish behavior of our very selfish society.  People.  Have we become so self important that the simple courtesies to our fellow man no longer exist?  Strangers are constantly telling me how polite I am.  Honestly, it bothers me.  Not because I am ungrateful for their noticing but, since others are so rude, my behavior, which should be standard for all humans, is so unusual.  How have we gotten to a place in our history that we are not kind to others?

Be good to one another.  Please.

xo–me