Hey Amy!

I am really enjoying reading my Esquire’s Handbook for Hosts. It is a wealth of information and really speaks to a different time. I love it! Last night I read about how to serve your meal. Loved it so much I am sharing it today. It’s a good reminder of what we should do on Thursday, or any day of a dinner party.

Excepts from How To Serve:

Act as though you had 10 servants–Your guests know you cooked their dinner, and they’re already impressed with your talent or your courage, as the case may be. So you needn’t keep reminding them of your chef role by hopping up and down, running back and forth between table and kitchen during dinner. There could be no other point in such nerve-wracking antics, for it’s a simple matter to arrange things so that “dinner is served” means for the cook/host as well as for the guests. Plan a menu of minimum courses so that everything can be either on the table or on the sideboard or serving table before you announce dinner, make full use of your chafing dish if it’s necessary to keep on course warm while another has the floor…Use a dressed-up “family style” of service, with food for second helpings left on the table rather than returned to the kitchen after the first time around…Use trays for clearing the table, bringing in the dessert and coffee…and you’ll find that you can play the lord of the manor at the head of the table, undisturbed by kitchen-calls, even if you are the the cook.

I try to always enjoy my meal. You know, the one I just spent days preparing? I think we all could use this gentle reminder not to sacrifice ourselves at the table.

xo–me

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A few of you have written asking me what to do when you have forgotten someone’s name and are in the position to introduce said person to another.  I have always introduced the other first in the hopes the person whom I have forgotten will then extend their hand (or simply smile) and say “Pleasure to meet you, I am (insert forgotten name here).”  If they do not figure it out and offer that courtesy to both you and the nameless one, I simply look the nameless person in the eye and say “I apologize but I seem to have forgotten your name”.  That is my advice but of course I cannot leave you without referencing the wisdom of Ms. Emily Post.  She says:

When you are talking with someone whose name you are struggling to remember and a friend joins you and looks inquiringly from you to the nameless person, there is nothing you can do but introduce your friend to the stranger by saying to the latter, “Oh haven’t you met Janet Cartozian?”

Hopefully, the stranger will be tactful and understanding enough to announce his own name.  If he says nothing, however and Janet Cartozian makes matters worse by saying, “You didn’t tell me your friend’s name,” the situation reaches the height of embarrassment.  The only solution then is to be completely frank, admit you do not remember the name, and ask them to complete the introduction themselves.

If you don’t learn another thing from this book, I would consider it a success if I could persuade you, when meeting someone who obviously does not remember your name (or even someone who might not remember it), to offer it at once.  Never say, “You don’t remember me, do you?” and then stop.  Start right out with “Hello I’m Marjorie Wynne, I met you at the Schoonmakers last Memorial Day.”

So says Emily Post.  If you learn one thing from her book via this post, please memorize the last paragraph.  Ms. Post and I will be proud.

xo–me

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I am getting on my soapbox again today.

I take pilates classes at a boutique studio close to my home and office. My studio has 8 beds on which to work out and takes reservations in advance for each class. You can imagine that most classes fill up quickly. Their policy states that if you have to cancel within a 12 hour period or you are a ‘no show’ you will be charged a $25 fee. I love the policy because it means I will make every possible effort to get there so I don’t have to pay the fee (and it’s not a bad thing for my well being either!).

Lately I have noticed empty beds when I know the class was full prior to me getting in the car (office and home are mere minutes from the studio). I know things come up. I too get caught at work or sometimes LIFE just happens and I cannot make it. I always try to go online (where you make the reservations) or call to cancel. I know I will have the fee to pay but I do this to be polite to other people in the studio. Namely my friends as many of them also work out at the studio and find themselves on the wait list to get into said class.

I think it is very rude to hold a place in class and fail to show up. It is very selfish behavior that implies one only cares about one person–themselves. If you make a reservation anywhere, have the decency to cancel if you are not going to make it. I am sure those of you who carry the title of maitre ‘d would also appreciate humankind exercising this courtesy. Nothing is worse than asking for a placeholder and then failing to show up.

Be polite people. Think of others. Do something good today for someone other than yourself!

Thanks for listening today.

xo–me

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One of my readers, Ms. G, wrote this week asking me to speak to behavior when one is ill.  Her example spoke to me as I recently had a similar experience.  I made a mental note to write about it in the coming weeks.  Then yesterday I had yet another situation that spoke to this ongoing problem.  At the height of my frustration, I determined it was my next post.  I searched high and low for words of wisdom from Emily Post but found nothing for this topic so today I speak from my heart.  Today we are all reminded that when one is ill, one does not leave ones home.

Situation #1.  Communal meals are fabulous fun for everyone.  It’s an informal way to share your day, the meal and your life with loved ones.  Please, if you are ill, don’t suggest, book or arrive to this occasion.  Pause for one moment and think about what you do at a communal meal.  You cook, eat, share, dip, double dip, pass plates, and touch everything.  All while your nose is running and you are blowing it.  Do you run to the ladies room to wash your hands after each time you sneeze?  What about coughing?  When you cover your mouth while coughing or sneezing, do you then reach for the cooking utensils that you are sharing with the other guests?

Situation #2 (that sent me over the edge).  The pilates, yoga, dance studio is a place filled with sweat and germs.  Why would you want to work out and have your ill sweat get all over the machines, the mats, the bar so you can infect the entire class?  That towel or wet wipe is not going to sanitize the area.  Again I ask you to please stay home when you are ill.

Here’s my thought on illness.  I am someone with massive allergies.  Sneezing, clearing my nose, eyes watering, among other symptoms, are things I deal with on a regular basis.  If I am not able to control these symptoms, I do not leave the house.  Plain and simple.  It’s rude and inconsiderate to others to have to experience these symptoms and/or fear they are something greater than a simple allergy.  If I am willing to do this for my allergies, all of you should be willing to do this when you are fighting a cold or the flu.  Your decisions create a dangerous environment to those around you and your lack of respect for others well being is simply distasteful.

xo–me

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I debate relentlessly with my friends about what one should and should not bring to dinner parties, luncheons, BBQs, etc.  So many friends believe they cannot arrive empty handed.  I agree, one should arrive with a treat for the host or hostess but never something that could be perceived as a dish to serve with the meal.  Your hostess has spend many hours preparing the menu and the food for the event.  How presumptuous of one to think she did not plan a complete meal!  That your addition would somehow bring the entire experience to another level.  My bottom line of all things proper is Ms. Emily Post.  Today I share that passage so perhaps for once, I will win this debate with my girlfriends!

When a dinner guest arrives with an angel food cake or an apple pie without having mentioned the intent in advance, you are put “on the spot”.  There is undoubtedly an obligation to serve it–to share it with the other guests.  This is fine–if you have no dessert made, or if it could be served in addition to your dessert.  But if you do have a very special dish ready to offer to your guests, the unexpected gift need not be given priority.  You re quite free to say, “Thank you so much–it looks wonderful but I had promised a specialty of mine for tonight, so may I keep this to enjoy tomorrow?”  Guest who have not “cleared” their intentions with their hostess beforehand should never be hurt when their gift is not served at the dinner.  After all, they presumably brought it for their hostess’ enjoyment, and she should feel free to use it as she wishes.

Sometimes you may be given two or three cakes or boxes of candy, or whatever.  In this case, it would be unreasonable to cut into or open, all of them, so choose the one that seems to go best with your meal and appeal most to your friends, and offer that one, if you want to offer these gifts at all.

The same rules apply to a gift of wine.  If it goes with your menu and you do not have another beverage planned, or another wine chilled, serve it.  Otherwise thank the donor and tell him how much you will enjoy his gift at another meal.

If a wrapped gift is brought to your dinner party, it is nice to open it, without fanfare which would perhaps embarrass another guest who did not bring a gift, so you can thank the person who brought it.  If you have no time to do this, a thank-you the next time you speak to him or her is sufficient.  There is no need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift which is meant as thanks to you.

So there you have it.  I don’t need to be crowned the winner.  I merely hope those friends of mine are reading today and recognize themselves.  I am never so frustrated as the hostess as when someone arrives with a hot dish or a dessert that clearly will not last and it has nothing to do with the meal I have so carefully prepared.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it when a friend calls in advance and says they would like to bring their signature dish and I can figure out a way to incorporate it into my meal.  Or if they arrive with a treat and say “Here is something for you to enjoy later or tomorrow.”

As always, I heed the words of Ms. Post.  I hope you do as well.

xo–me

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I have the traveling blues.  I live in the west and my entire family is in the east so I spend a great deal of time in the air.  Most of the time I spend it observing the poor behavior of others.  I sometimes sit on my flight daydreaming about the book I would write about traveling etiquette.  Too many of my fellow men and women live in their own world without any regard to those around them.  I see this most when I am traveling.  This past weekend I was flying west to east and back again and could not believe some of the things I experienced and viewed.  I feel I must discuss them here. In no particular order, here are the fouls committed, some by the same person.

1. On the flight out, I was luckily seated in a row with an empty seat between me and the row-mate.  I was at the window, she at the aisle.  Before we had a chance to take off, she placed her magazines promptly in the center of the empty seat.  I was surprised as I have always thought that space was a lucky bonus and should be shared with the passenger on the other side.  Not wanting to appear rude, I ignored her territorial actions and started watching some TV.  Before I knew it, she had raised the arm between her seat and the empty one and decided to lay down over both seats with her booty squarely placed at my end, almost eye level by the time she tucked her feet under her hips.  Well then.  Thank you.  Thank you for being incredibly rude and for showing no class in the air.  You my dear, a woman who is old enough to be my mother, are no example to young women.  When flying, if you are feeling ill or are very tired, ask your neighbor if they mind if you lay down.  Most compassionate people will appreciate you asking and not mind if you do.  If you want to use the empty seat, say hello to your neighbor and ask if they would like to share the extra space.  Considerate people always ask.
2. The same woman I spoke of above also decided that she had to be the first person to leave the plane.  Now I want to be very clear that we were flying in coach class.  Not first class.  You know, the people who get to leave the plane first because of their position inside the plane?  My ‘friend’ gathered everything of hers while we were skipping down the runway.  As soon as the plane was on the ground, she literally sprinted to the front of the plane while we were still pulling into the gate.  Yes, she was first out the door but not without literally ploughing over the people in the seats in front of us and everyone in first class.  Unreal.  Please take your time and be considerate of those around you.  You are not the only person on the plane.  If you must insist on everything your own way, purchase a private plane on which to travel and you can be the center of attention.
3. My return flight was no less packed with bad, inconsiderate behavior.  I unfortunately had to change my flight at the last minute and wound up sitting in the center seat.  Knowing this was going to be a challenge, I was also stuck in the row that does not recline.  I boarded the jet with a good attitude about these two unfortunate circumstances.  As soon as I sat, I could tell the lady to my left was going to be a delight.  She excused herself to the ladies room and said “I promise I only get up once.”  I responded with “Please, get up as often as you need to!”  The female on the aisle, to my right, was the complete opposite.  She plopped down in the seat with such force, she shook the entire row.  Once she finished fidgeting with her bag that was clearly too large to be placed under the seat in front of her, she decided to elbow me no less than 4 times while she struggled to get her seat belt on.  Again, trying to be positive, I mentally noted that perhaps she was not well traveled and once she got settled, perhaps the trip would be great.  Wrong.  She whipped out a sandwich laden with onions.  The entire cabin stunk of onions.  The flight attendants commented.  Those around us commented.  Those who passed our row on the way to the restrooms commented.  Once she completed her meal, she decided to remove her shoes and prop her feet on the arm rest backs of the seats in front of ours.  Nasty, smelly feet almost at eye level.  When I tried to put my tray table down, her feet were in the way.  I couldn’t ask her to move them because she had decided to fall asleep with her nasty foul onion breath blowing into my face because her head was facing my way.  Now remember, I could not move my positioning because my seat did not recline.  Grrrrr.

I cannot believe the abominable behavior I experienced on this trip.  I could share stories for months here the amount of things I have witnessed.  People, please be kind and considerate to one another.  Think about your words or actions before they are presented.  Teach good behavior.  Be an example.

xo–me

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I recognize it’s the week of Labor Day BBQ recommendations for you but I had to take a time out from my yummy posts to do my best to shame those in the world who leave their empty coffee cups, soda cans, etc on a shelf in the market, target, the pharmacy.  Nothing is more delightful for me than to be straining to reach a high shelf or deep in the back of a shelf and instead of grabbing the product I find your half empty, sticky Coffee Bean/Starbucks/Big Gulp cup.  You leave them there because?  Maybe you haven’t figured out how to speak to someone in the store and ask for a wastebasket.  Or perhaps you thought I would want something to drink while I was shopping and you left it for me?  How so very kind of you.

Seriously people (and by people, I do not mean my readers as I know they would never do anything so vile), the world is not your garbage can.  Show some self esteem and pick up after yourself.  Set an example to those around you, including those young ones who watch and soak up every move you make.  Besides, I brought my own, thank you very much.

xo–me

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