Hey Amy!

I debate relentlessly with my friends about what one should and should not bring to dinner parties, luncheons, BBQs, etc.  So many friends believe they cannot arrive empty handed.  I agree, one should arrive with a treat for the host or hostess but never something that could be perceived as a dish to serve with the meal.  Your hostess has spend many hours preparing the menu and the food for the event.  How presumptuous of one to think she did not plan a complete meal!  That your addition would somehow bring the entire experience to another level.  My bottom line of all things proper is Ms. Emily Post.  Today I share that passage so perhaps for once, I will win this debate with my girlfriends!

When a dinner guest arrives with an angel food cake or an apple pie without having mentioned the intent in advance, you are put “on the spot”.  There is undoubtedly an obligation to serve it–to share it with the other guests.  This is fine–if you have no dessert made, or if it could be served in addition to your dessert.  But if you do have a very special dish ready to offer to your guests, the unexpected gift need not be given priority.  You re quite free to say, “Thank you so much–it looks wonderful but I had promised a specialty of mine for tonight, so may I keep this to enjoy tomorrow?”  Guest who have not “cleared” their intentions with their hostess beforehand should never be hurt when their gift is not served at the dinner.  After all, they presumably brought it for their hostess’ enjoyment, and she should feel free to use it as she wishes.

Sometimes you may be given two or three cakes or boxes of candy, or whatever.  In this case, it would be unreasonable to cut into or open, all of them, so choose the one that seems to go best with your meal and appeal most to your friends, and offer that one, if you want to offer these gifts at all.

The same rules apply to a gift of wine.  If it goes with your menu and you do not have another beverage planned, or another wine chilled, serve it.  Otherwise thank the donor and tell him how much you will enjoy his gift at another meal.

If a wrapped gift is brought to your dinner party, it is nice to open it, without fanfare which would perhaps embarrass another guest who did not bring a gift, so you can thank the person who brought it.  If you have no time to do this, a thank-you the next time you speak to him or her is sufficient.  There is no need to send a thank-you note for a hostess gift which is meant as thanks to you.

So there you have it.  I don’t need to be crowned the winner.  I merely hope those friends of mine are reading today and recognize themselves.  I am never so frustrated as the hostess as when someone arrives with a hot dish or a dessert that clearly will not last and it has nothing to do with the meal I have so carefully prepared.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it when a friend calls in advance and says they would like to bring their signature dish and I can figure out a way to incorporate it into my meal.  Or if they arrive with a treat and say “Here is something for you to enjoy later or tomorrow.”

As always, I heed the words of Ms. Post.  I hope you do as well.

xo–me

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